I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
