I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
