So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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