I'll bet she douches with gravy.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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