he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
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How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
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Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
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