i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
