I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
