Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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