I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
