I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Randomize
