if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My feet surprised me
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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