Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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