my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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