just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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