I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
