Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
In other news, I just burned my penis
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
