Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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