Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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