There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
So much rum. So many feels.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
