You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
