Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
