i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
