I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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