FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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