Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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