woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
