I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
