You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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