Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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