Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
My liver just had a heart attack.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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