I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
