just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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