Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize