I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
