Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
