Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
operation have a gay friend backfired
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
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