We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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