someone threw a dead crab at me
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
