i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
