Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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