She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
