I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
