You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
