I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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