then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
