Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
