So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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