remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
