Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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