dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
