Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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