You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
