i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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