Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
