I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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