wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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