Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
