Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
