I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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