Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
