The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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