Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
