You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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