I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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